you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
