I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
