is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
