Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you win again, gameday.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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