While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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