No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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