It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize