Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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