Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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