Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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