dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
