You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
