How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
