insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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