My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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