4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
