I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
