I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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