I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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