I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
