True but thats because hes a fetus.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
