I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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