so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
