I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
