Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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