So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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