He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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