At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
