he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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