I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
