you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
