my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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