Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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