I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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