yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.