I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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