Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
