just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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