based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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