yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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