Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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