And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
