Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
