I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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