Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
