I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Randomize
