I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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