Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
