I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
