Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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