I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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