i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
