i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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