Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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