You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
