i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
