I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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